Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
