I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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