You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
