They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
