i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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