Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
