I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
nutella sex= disaster
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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