eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
