Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
