On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
