She is in my trunk
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I cut my penus on the lid.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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