a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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