I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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