It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
