i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
