when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You made out with two different species that night
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
