this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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