I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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