3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
