Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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