i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
