i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
