Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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