I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
