i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
