I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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