I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
