We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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