can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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