That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
