so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
