At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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