Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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