I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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