i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
