I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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