And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
