you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
