last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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