i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
