I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
