Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
