just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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