I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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