i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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