Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
