Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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