my phone needs a breathalizer
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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