Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
