I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
